anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
