Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
