we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
