does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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