He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
