tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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