a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
