Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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