Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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