Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
