Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
