i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize