You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
