I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
