pop tarts are not kleenex
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
