i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
