dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
