There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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