what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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