Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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