It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
