I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.