My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
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He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
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I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room