Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
did i just pee glitter
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
