Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
