My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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