Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
