I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
