the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
