My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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