my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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