I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
