I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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