I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
