Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
