dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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