Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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