i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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