We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
