we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
