I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Randomize
