I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
