At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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