saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
