Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
