i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
