I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
