god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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