I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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