dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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