I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
