can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
