Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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