My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
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What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
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Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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