So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
