here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
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he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
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Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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